Being on this infertility journey has become surreal for me. Sometimes I can't even believe we've been trying for this long and other times, it seems like it's flown by. I know there's couples who have been trying much longer than us, but as we finish this 14th cycle, I honestly start to question if it will ever happen.
There's so many girls I know that have gotten pregnant and delivered in the time we've been trying. I think that's when it really hits me. I think, "oh, if I had gotten pregnant on that cycle, I'd be delivering now", etc. But the sad truth is that I'm no closer to having a baby then I was last July when we started trying. In fact, I may even be farther away. I've lost that excitement and I pretty much go into every cycle feeling like there's no hope. It's a terrible way to live and I want to change it. Sigh.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Codonopsis Pilosulae Radix?!?!
If you couldn't tell from the title, my fertility herbs came in the mail last week! Reading the ingredient list of the Chinese herbs is a bit like taking a foreign language. Here are some pics of the lovely smelling herbs I will be consuming for 29 days. I mix 5 scoops at a time into water or hot tea to consume.I have a Follicular formula that I take for 15 days (twice a day) and then I switch to a Luteal phase formula for 14 days (also twice a day). The herbalist said I should O before finishing the follicular formula, but if I don't, then the switch will more than likely make me O. Fingers crossed!
The herbs are also supposed to make my egg quality better and the herbalist wants me to continue charting during the herbs so I can see exactly when I O and if it has any effect on my charts. I will also still be getting acu a few times this cycle as well.
I'm feeling confident that these herbs can definitely help in getting me KU by leveling out my hormones, as well as making my O stronger and better. We shall see!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Fertility Diet
Back in May, my acupuncturist put me on a fertility diet. It's been pretty strict and sometimes, I just want to eat whatever I want, but I can see the benefits from it, so I will continue to eat "fertility friendly" until I see that BFP (then I will immediately grab some ice cream and chocolate chip cheesecake!)
The main points of my fertility diet are no dairy, limited gluten (my acu would like me to cut it out completely, but it's really difficult, so I just cut back significantly), no cold foods or drinks, no refined sugars, more red meat and only organic meats if possible, tons of cooked veggies (never raw or cold and try to eat organic), limited fruits (nothing too starchy - so bananas and apples are out) and tons and tons of lukewarm water. I also have a cup of red raspberry leaf tea every morning and several cups of green tea throughout the day.
This is probably the healthiest I've ever eaten. I'm pretty small to begin with so I haven't lost any weight, but I noticed an immediate change in bloating as soon as I started the diet. My stomach is rarely bloated anymore and I have a ton more energy on this diet. I just feel better in general.
Here's what a typical day on my diet looks like:
Breakfast --
Scrambled eggs with veggies. No cheese. Organic eggs. I typically do peppers, onions, cherry tomatoes, squash and fresh spinach sauteed in with the eggs. We belong to an organic CSA, so I just use whatever we have that week in terms of veggies. Sometimes I also throw in some organic canadian bacon for extra protein. Now, I work at home, so it's easy for me to prepare this most mornings, which is awesome.
On mornings I have appointments or for some reason don't have time to cook the eggs, I will eat a packet of plain organic oatmeal with flax seeds sprinkled in and a side of fruit (typically berries).
Lunch --
Again, with working at home, I'm lucky to have access to a kitchen with all my own food to be able to cook whatever I want. Most days I eat leftovers from whatever we had for dinner the night before.
I've found these individual servings of organic quinoa at my grocery store, so a lot of times, I'll heat up one of those and throw some veggies in with it.
Whole Foods makes gluten free tortillas, which I will eat stuffed with black or cannelloni beans and sauteed veggies. Typically I eat another serving of fruit for lunch as well.
Dinner --
I cook a lot from The Fertile Kitchen cookbook and it has really easy, simple recipes. We normally will just eat some sort of protein, rice or quinoa and then veggies.
J hates all the gluten free stuff, so I've given up on trying to force him to eat brown rice noodles for pasta. I have cooked him regular pasta and me the gluten free pasta some nights, but that's just a lot of extra work.
Dessert --
I have a HUGE sweet tooth, so the sugar thing is probably the hardest part of this diet for me. I normally have some sort of chocolate after every meal (sometimes even breakfast) so getting out of that habit was really hard. I've started having 1 small piece of dark chocolate after lunch and dinner. It helps with my craving for sweets, plus it's relatively good for me.
With being on the no dairy diet, I was worried about getting enough calcium because my mom has Osteoporosis. I started taking a delicious calcium supplement, Adora Disks, which come in milk or dark chocolate. I eat the dark chocolate and they are SO GOOD! I look forward to taking my calcium each day with eating these!!
So that's my daily eats in a nutshell. It is difficult, but after the first month, it really did become like second nature. I look forward to eating good, healthy, real food and I think it is having a positive effect on my fertility.
The main points of my fertility diet are no dairy, limited gluten (my acu would like me to cut it out completely, but it's really difficult, so I just cut back significantly), no cold foods or drinks, no refined sugars, more red meat and only organic meats if possible, tons of cooked veggies (never raw or cold and try to eat organic), limited fruits (nothing too starchy - so bananas and apples are out) and tons and tons of lukewarm water. I also have a cup of red raspberry leaf tea every morning and several cups of green tea throughout the day.
This is probably the healthiest I've ever eaten. I'm pretty small to begin with so I haven't lost any weight, but I noticed an immediate change in bloating as soon as I started the diet. My stomach is rarely bloated anymore and I have a ton more energy on this diet. I just feel better in general.
Here's what a typical day on my diet looks like:
Breakfast --
Scrambled eggs with veggies. No cheese. Organic eggs. I typically do peppers, onions, cherry tomatoes, squash and fresh spinach sauteed in with the eggs. We belong to an organic CSA, so I just use whatever we have that week in terms of veggies. Sometimes I also throw in some organic canadian bacon for extra protein. Now, I work at home, so it's easy for me to prepare this most mornings, which is awesome.
On mornings I have appointments or for some reason don't have time to cook the eggs, I will eat a packet of plain organic oatmeal with flax seeds sprinkled in and a side of fruit (typically berries).
Lunch --
Again, with working at home, I'm lucky to have access to a kitchen with all my own food to be able to cook whatever I want. Most days I eat leftovers from whatever we had for dinner the night before.
I've found these individual servings of organic quinoa at my grocery store, so a lot of times, I'll heat up one of those and throw some veggies in with it.
Whole Foods makes gluten free tortillas, which I will eat stuffed with black or cannelloni beans and sauteed veggies. Typically I eat another serving of fruit for lunch as well.
Dinner --
I cook a lot from The Fertile Kitchen cookbook and it has really easy, simple recipes. We normally will just eat some sort of protein, rice or quinoa and then veggies.
J hates all the gluten free stuff, so I've given up on trying to force him to eat brown rice noodles for pasta. I have cooked him regular pasta and me the gluten free pasta some nights, but that's just a lot of extra work.
Dessert --
I have a HUGE sweet tooth, so the sugar thing is probably the hardest part of this diet for me. I normally have some sort of chocolate after every meal (sometimes even breakfast) so getting out of that habit was really hard. I've started having 1 small piece of dark chocolate after lunch and dinner. It helps with my craving for sweets, plus it's relatively good for me.
With being on the no dairy diet, I was worried about getting enough calcium because my mom has Osteoporosis. I started taking a delicious calcium supplement, Adora Disks, which come in milk or dark chocolate. I eat the dark chocolate and they are SO GOOD! I look forward to taking my calcium each day with eating these!!
So that's my daily eats in a nutshell. It is difficult, but after the first month, it really did become like second nature. I look forward to eating good, healthy, real food and I think it is having a positive effect on my fertility.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Au Naturale
This cycle (#14 if you're counting), we're going all natural. No crazy weird diet, no acupuncture, no pineapple core, no POM, no charting, no OPK's. Just lots of BIO and fingers crossed.
Just in case none of this works, I will be starting fertility herbs next cycle. I had a consultation with an herbalist and she is writing me a prescription for some hard core teas to drink all cycle. I'm scared/excited to see what the herbs are all about. My acu seems really confident that the herbs will do the trick for us. I personally would fall to the ground if all I have to do is drink some nasty flavored teas to get PG. I guess we'll see what happens - bottoms up!
Just in case none of this works, I will be starting fertility herbs next cycle. I had a consultation with an herbalist and she is writing me a prescription for some hard core teas to drink all cycle. I'm scared/excited to see what the herbs are all about. My acu seems really confident that the herbs will do the trick for us. I personally would fall to the ground if all I have to do is drink some nasty flavored teas to get PG. I guess we'll see what happens - bottoms up!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Destined for this?
I realized a few weeks ago that I know 52 girls who are either pregnant or had a baby in 2011. Yes, 52. That's not an exaggeration. I was in a sorority in college, so I think that has something to do with it, but still. That's a freaking lot of people. The one that stings the most is my BFF who got pregnant immediately after stopping BC and never even got a period - just a BFP. This was 3 months after her wedding as well. She was the one who I told when we started trying (before she was even married) and now it's super awkward between us because she's due in 3 weeks and I'm still here, trying.
I think part of me realized deep down that we would have problems. It just seems like it's so easy for everyone else, and there has to be the "statistic" right? It just sucks that's us. Infertility is such a taboo topic that it's hard not to feel alone. You see tons of "I'm pregnant!" announcements on Facebook, but you never see any shouts of "another failed cycle!"
Crossing the territory into "unexplained infertility" is a scary, lonely place. Without treatment, I just don't know if it will ever happen for us. I wish there was an issue that we could pinpoint and "fix", especially when the doctors tell us that we're normal. Well, I don't really feel very normal. We're young, healthy, eat well, don't smoke, don't drink, own a home, both have good jobs, cars, pay our bills on time...yet for some reason, we're destined for this struggle. The struggle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I think part of me realized deep down that we would have problems. It just seems like it's so easy for everyone else, and there has to be the "statistic" right? It just sucks that's us. Infertility is such a taboo topic that it's hard not to feel alone. You see tons of "I'm pregnant!" announcements on Facebook, but you never see any shouts of "another failed cycle!"
Crossing the territory into "unexplained infertility" is a scary, lonely place. Without treatment, I just don't know if it will ever happen for us. I wish there was an issue that we could pinpoint and "fix", especially when the doctors tell us that we're normal. Well, I don't really feel very normal. We're young, healthy, eat well, don't smoke, don't drink, own a home, both have good jobs, cars, pay our bills on time...yet for some reason, we're destined for this struggle. The struggle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Shot in the Dark...
So today I re-confirmed with our insurance company that no infertility treatment is covered. Nada. I know I should look on the plus side and be grateful that all of our testing from May was covered. But it's almost like a slap in the face - we will cover seeing if you are infertile, but if you are, we're not going to cover any of it. Awesome. Looks like we're still at square one with not really being able to afford several thousands of dollars to get me knocked up.
I honestly can't even wrap my brain around IUI either. It's just not really how I saw myself getting pregnant. I know I need to get over that and thousands of women do it (probably every day) but at this point, it still seems so foreign to me. Ask me again after another 6 months of natural TTC and we'll see where I'm at then.
However, I am taking a fertility yoga class tonight, so that's exciting. I have no idea what to expect and I hope they don't put a big IF stamp on my forehead when I walk in. Or even worse - what if I'm the only one in the entire class? Maybe I'm the only bitter infertile in my entire town?? Here goes nothing...
I honestly can't even wrap my brain around IUI either. It's just not really how I saw myself getting pregnant. I know I need to get over that and thousands of women do it (probably every day) but at this point, it still seems so foreign to me. Ask me again after another 6 months of natural TTC and we'll see where I'm at then.
However, I am taking a fertility yoga class tonight, so that's exciting. I have no idea what to expect and I hope they don't put a big IF stamp on my forehead when I walk in. Or even worse - what if I'm the only one in the entire class? Maybe I'm the only bitter infertile in my entire town?? Here goes nothing...
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Cycle 13
Here we are, on the other side of 12 months of TTC. I had a lot of hope going into this month that this would be our month - I mean, even if it takes all 12 months, 90% of couples are pregnant in 1 year of trying, right? Welcome to that other 10%.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Our Infertilty Timeline
October 2005: Meet J (on my 24th birthday!) through a mutual friend. Start dating pretty much immediately.
August 2007: Move in together
November 14, 2008: We're ENGAGED!
May 2009: Close on our first house.
September 5, 2009: Wedding Day - best day of our lives!
Fall/Winter 2009: Start discussing having kids. I'm ready now. J wants to wait until next fall. We compromise on starting next summer.
March 2010: Have my annual well women exam with my PCP. Tell her we are thinking about TTC later this year. She says we should have no problems at all and I should go off of BC 1-2 months before we want to start.
April/May 2010: Buy Taking Charge of your Fertility and read it cover to cover.
End of May 2010: Take my last BC pill! (after being on it for 11 years)
End of June 2010: 32 days later, AF arrives. Horray! My cycles have regulated quickly - I'll definitely be pregnant by the end of the summer!
July 2010: Officially TTC - not charting and basically just BD'ing when we feel like it. AF comes 31 days later.
August 2010: Decide to buy a BBT thermometer to I can start tracking my cycles. Show a very strong ovulation spike on CD22 and 11 days later, AF arrives. That's fine, I didn't expect it to happen on the first cycle. I'm just happy my cycles are normal and I O'd!
September 2010: 2nd month charting. Add digital OPK's. Get my first smiley face on CD21 and O 2 days later. AF arrives 11 days later.
October 2010 - December 2010: Continue charting and get a clear thermal shift each month. Have tons of fertile CM and perfect timing. AF keeps arriving, right on schedule. Start with a regular exercise routine to take my mind off of TTC.
January 2011: Decide to get "serious" about TTC in the new year and add green tea, POM juice, pineapple core and walnuts to this cycle. O on CD 20 and AF arrives 10 days later.
February 2011: 6 months of TTC. Start to get a little worried. Since I'm O'ing regularly each month, start thinking maybe J has a low count. Again, perfect O and great timing. AF arrives at CD32.
March 2011: 7 months of TTC. Have another yearly well women check up with my PCP. I bring my charts and she shows concern. She tells me that J should probably have a S/A to rule that out. If his numbers come back normal, she would recommend seeing a fertility specialist.
April 11, 2011: J has a S/A through his PCP and the results all come back normal for volume, motility and morphology. I email my PCP and she gives me a referral to see a RE. Have another textbook cycle and AF comes yet again.
May 2011: 9 months of TTC, perfect timing and temp spike at CD17. 10 day LP. Make appointment with RE. Also vacation in OBX and the trip coincides with my fertile phase. Maybe we'll make a vacation baby! Start training for a 10K race.
May 17, 2011: AF arrives in cycle 9 - no vacation baby and we keep that RE appointment.
May 20, 2011: RE appointment. Bring my 9 months of complete charts and J's S/A results. Appointment is less than positive - doctor laughs at us for being there at only 10 months of TTC. He tells me I over-exercise and I'm OCD and I should stop charting. He tells me I ovulate late and probably am producing an old egg.
However, he orders a complete work-up for both of us and I have a CD3 ultrasound and B/W at that appointment. Have 7-9 small follicles in each ovary. Doctor recommends that we get all our testing done this cycle and we can try Clomid next cycle to move ovulation up. We also meet with the financial services department and she throws around figures for IUI and IVF that are several months salary for both of us. Leave the appointment in tears.
May 23, 2011: Start acupuncture for fertility. Fall in love. Start going to weekly appointments.
May 27, 2011: Have my HSG test and everything is completely clear. Technician tells me that there's a 40% higher chance of pregnancy in the 3 months following the test. Great, so I'll be pregnant by July! Continue to chart to confirm O, using the digital OPK's and still getting clear shifts.
June 5, 2011: The day of my 10K race and also the day I O this cycle. Maybe I'll have a race baby? After the race, I decide I'm done with running and exercise for a while.
June 8, 2011: J has a repeat S/A done. My acupuncturist puts me on a fertility diet of no dairy, no cold or raw foods and more red meat.
Mid June 2011: J and I start having a serious talk about infertility and what we want to do. Decide that I hate the RE and I'm determined to get pregnant naturally through acupuncture, diet, etc.
June 18, 2011: AF arrives with a 12 day LP - my longest one in a while. I attribute this to my acupuncture, so at least I have a little bit of a silver lining. Cycle 10, done.
June 19, 2011: At J's request, I take a cycle off from charting for Cycle 11. He thinks it's making me crazy, but I tell him it's making me sane. He's tired of hearing the thermometer beep at 6am and tired of my obsession with TTC. My acu agrees with taking a cycle off so I officially retire my BBT.
June 20, 2011: The RE's office calls to tell me all our testing came back completely normal, so we are officially diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". The nurse is talking a million miles an hour and tells me that at this point, they recommend an IUI for next cycle with injectables. Are you serious, you're going to tell me this over the phone after I haven't talked to you in a month? What happened to starting with Clomid?
She then asks if I have taken an injectables class yet? Umm no. Well I can watch some videos on Youtube and she will call in the prescription for Clomid and Gonal-X and I may be able to start them this cycle. Doesn't the doctor want to see me and go over our results in person? No, that's not necessary. I ask if they have checked into my insurance to see if it covers any of this and she transfer me immediately to the financial services department. She tells me that they don't work with any insurance companies, so it's all OOP for the IUI and monitoring, roughly $3,000 a cycle. I tell her no thank you and that we're not ready to move forward yet. I ask her if I can get a copy of all of our test results, since she won't give me any of them over the phone.
July 1, 2011: Get a phone call from a pharmacy regarding my insurance information for filling my prescription for Clomid and Gonal-X. I ask what the hell she's talking about. I tell her we're not moving forward at this point and she can forget that prescription. Hang up the phone and burst into tears at work.
July 4, 2011: We decide to have sex EOD for this entire cycle, since I have no idea when I'm O'ing. We go away for the holiday weekend.
July 5, 2011: Acu appointment. Talk to her about our chances of conceiving naturally. She says it can still happen, but we may also want to consider IUI. FML.
July 10, 2011: J and I continue to discuss finances and how we can afford any sort of fertility treatments. We have savings, but it was more for after the baby was born - not getting me pregnant. J suggests we start talking to someone about our infertility. I can't think about anything but TTC at this point.
To Be Continued...
August 2007: Move in together
November 14, 2008: We're ENGAGED!
May 2009: Close on our first house.
September 5, 2009: Wedding Day - best day of our lives!
Fall/Winter 2009: Start discussing having kids. I'm ready now. J wants to wait until next fall. We compromise on starting next summer.
March 2010: Have my annual well women exam with my PCP. Tell her we are thinking about TTC later this year. She says we should have no problems at all and I should go off of BC 1-2 months before we want to start.
April/May 2010: Buy Taking Charge of your Fertility and read it cover to cover.
End of May 2010: Take my last BC pill! (after being on it for 11 years)
End of June 2010: 32 days later, AF arrives. Horray! My cycles have regulated quickly - I'll definitely be pregnant by the end of the summer!
July 2010: Officially TTC - not charting and basically just BD'ing when we feel like it. AF comes 31 days later.
August 2010: Decide to buy a BBT thermometer to I can start tracking my cycles. Show a very strong ovulation spike on CD22 and 11 days later, AF arrives. That's fine, I didn't expect it to happen on the first cycle. I'm just happy my cycles are normal and I O'd!
September 2010: 2nd month charting. Add digital OPK's. Get my first smiley face on CD21 and O 2 days later. AF arrives 11 days later.
October 2010 - December 2010: Continue charting and get a clear thermal shift each month. Have tons of fertile CM and perfect timing. AF keeps arriving, right on schedule. Start with a regular exercise routine to take my mind off of TTC.
January 2011: Decide to get "serious" about TTC in the new year and add green tea, POM juice, pineapple core and walnuts to this cycle. O on CD 20 and AF arrives 10 days later.
February 2011: 6 months of TTC. Start to get a little worried. Since I'm O'ing regularly each month, start thinking maybe J has a low count. Again, perfect O and great timing. AF arrives at CD32.
March 2011: 7 months of TTC. Have another yearly well women check up with my PCP. I bring my charts and she shows concern. She tells me that J should probably have a S/A to rule that out. If his numbers come back normal, she would recommend seeing a fertility specialist.
April 11, 2011: J has a S/A through his PCP and the results all come back normal for volume, motility and morphology. I email my PCP and she gives me a referral to see a RE. Have another textbook cycle and AF comes yet again.
May 2011: 9 months of TTC, perfect timing and temp spike at CD17. 10 day LP. Make appointment with RE. Also vacation in OBX and the trip coincides with my fertile phase. Maybe we'll make a vacation baby! Start training for a 10K race.
May 17, 2011: AF arrives in cycle 9 - no vacation baby and we keep that RE appointment.
May 20, 2011: RE appointment. Bring my 9 months of complete charts and J's S/A results. Appointment is less than positive - doctor laughs at us for being there at only 10 months of TTC. He tells me I over-exercise and I'm OCD and I should stop charting. He tells me I ovulate late and probably am producing an old egg.
However, he orders a complete work-up for both of us and I have a CD3 ultrasound and B/W at that appointment. Have 7-9 small follicles in each ovary. Doctor recommends that we get all our testing done this cycle and we can try Clomid next cycle to move ovulation up. We also meet with the financial services department and she throws around figures for IUI and IVF that are several months salary for both of us. Leave the appointment in tears.
May 23, 2011: Start acupuncture for fertility. Fall in love. Start going to weekly appointments.
May 27, 2011: Have my HSG test and everything is completely clear. Technician tells me that there's a 40% higher chance of pregnancy in the 3 months following the test. Great, so I'll be pregnant by July! Continue to chart to confirm O, using the digital OPK's and still getting clear shifts.
June 5, 2011: The day of my 10K race and also the day I O this cycle. Maybe I'll have a race baby? After the race, I decide I'm done with running and exercise for a while.
June 8, 2011: J has a repeat S/A done. My acupuncturist puts me on a fertility diet of no dairy, no cold or raw foods and more red meat.
Mid June 2011: J and I start having a serious talk about infertility and what we want to do. Decide that I hate the RE and I'm determined to get pregnant naturally through acupuncture, diet, etc.
June 18, 2011: AF arrives with a 12 day LP - my longest one in a while. I attribute this to my acupuncture, so at least I have a little bit of a silver lining. Cycle 10, done.
June 19, 2011: At J's request, I take a cycle off from charting for Cycle 11. He thinks it's making me crazy, but I tell him it's making me sane. He's tired of hearing the thermometer beep at 6am and tired of my obsession with TTC. My acu agrees with taking a cycle off so I officially retire my BBT.
June 20, 2011: The RE's office calls to tell me all our testing came back completely normal, so we are officially diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". The nurse is talking a million miles an hour and tells me that at this point, they recommend an IUI for next cycle with injectables. Are you serious, you're going to tell me this over the phone after I haven't talked to you in a month? What happened to starting with Clomid?
She then asks if I have taken an injectables class yet? Umm no. Well I can watch some videos on Youtube and she will call in the prescription for Clomid and Gonal-X and I may be able to start them this cycle. Doesn't the doctor want to see me and go over our results in person? No, that's not necessary. I ask if they have checked into my insurance to see if it covers any of this and she transfer me immediately to the financial services department. She tells me that they don't work with any insurance companies, so it's all OOP for the IUI and monitoring, roughly $3,000 a cycle. I tell her no thank you and that we're not ready to move forward yet. I ask her if I can get a copy of all of our test results, since she won't give me any of them over the phone.
July 1, 2011: Get a phone call from a pharmacy regarding my insurance information for filling my prescription for Clomid and Gonal-X. I ask what the hell she's talking about. I tell her we're not moving forward at this point and she can forget that prescription. Hang up the phone and burst into tears at work.
July 4, 2011: We decide to have sex EOD for this entire cycle, since I have no idea when I'm O'ing. We go away for the holiday weekend.
July 5, 2011: Acu appointment. Talk to her about our chances of conceiving naturally. She says it can still happen, but we may also want to consider IUI. FML.
July 10, 2011: J and I continue to discuss finances and how we can afford any sort of fertility treatments. We have savings, but it was more for after the baby was born - not getting me pregnant. J suggests we start talking to someone about our infertility. I can't think about anything but TTC at this point.
To Be Continued...
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